


Looking Like Hell But Getting Better

by this_is_madness



Category: Jared Padalecki - Fandom, Jensen Ackles - Fandom, Supernatural Actors - Fandom
Genre: J2, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-22 11:05:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4833074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/this_is_madness/pseuds/this_is_madness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen Ackles has been best friends with Jared Padalecki since college, and he's hopelessly in love with the man. However, with near Dean Winchester levels of low self esteem, Jensen just doesn't see how Jared could ever love him back, so he never makes his move. However, when ex-girlfriend and other best friend Danneel Harris finds out, she meddles until everything falls into place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking Like Hell But Getting Better

“You look like hell,” Jensen blurts out without much thought; he doesn’t mean it to sound as rude as it did, and the look that Danneel gives him makes him back pedal immediately. She sits down across from him in the little café in downtown LA with an angry huff. “I mean, you look tired.”

She violently rolls her eyes at him, but sighs, raising the coffee that Jensen had preordered for her. “I feel like hell.”

“Gen still hasn’t called then?” Jensen asks and, again, feels immediately guilty by Danny’s physical flinch at the mention of her name. Danny and Gen are great together. Or, at least, they had been. Until Danny admitted to Gen one night about a week ago, drunkenly, that she had slept with Jensen, something Gen had suspected, but Danny had denied over and over again to avoid a big fight. Gen didn’t take it very well. She ran before Danny could tell her it was way back in college, way before Jensen was out, and still trying to convince himself that he liked women. Danny had almost done it for Jensen too, until he realized he just genuinely liked her as a person, but there was very little sexual attraction. And what sexual attraction there was, it wasn’t on Jensen’s side.

“I shouldn’t have told her, I’m so stupid,” Danny groans after taking a long swig of her coffee.

“No, you should have told her from the very beginning, the first time she asked,” Jensen says gently. ‘Gently’ wasn’t usually one of the ways he spoke to people, simply by nature, but in Danny’s case, he thought harsh bluntness might be a little too mean.

“Where was this advice way back then?” she asks forlornly.

“Exactly where it is now,” Jensen replies immediately, despite Danny’s small glare. “Danny, you know that I would’ve never suggested you lie about it.”

“Well, ‘it’ was ten years ago, ‘it’ wasn’t what Gen thinks it was, ‘it’ means very little now, and I knew ‘it’ would drive her away,” Danny replies, and Jensen raises his eyebrows. He wasn’t insulted that she referred to their short time together a decade ago as meaning very little now, just surprised. Danny is on the sentimental side, always has been; that’s the main reason they were still friends at all.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says after a too long of a pause. He isn’t the best in these kinds of moments. He never can say just the right thing, he can never act the right way. But Danny is one of his oldest friends, so she knows this, and accepts it.

“It’s okay,” she says softly. “I just hope I get it figured out…I’m not happy. Not without Gen. Maybe I could be…but it doesn’t seem very likely.”

This small confession makes Jensen frown deeply at her, reach across the table and take her hand.

She nods again, at the gesture. “I know you know what that is like.”

The comment startles Jensen enough that he recoils, pulling his hand from hers slightly. She closes her grip like a vice, and stares at him intently. “Oh, no you don’t!” she says with conviction. “You’re not going to go and build up those walls. You can’t hide in yourself, Jensen. You need to talk about things.”

“We were talking about you,” Jensen says, panic tightening his throat. He knows exactly what she wants to talk about: Jared. And he can’t do that.

“We’ve said all that can be said for now,” she replies simply. “Jensen. How long have you known me, now? Ten years. Are we or are we not close friends?”

Jensen doesn’t reply immediately, expecting the question to be rhetorical, but Danny stares at him expectantly for a long moment until he huffs out a breath and agrees. “Fine, yes, we’re close friends.”

“Now…you told me something—“

“I told you nothing!” Jensen interrupts indignantly.

“Fine! God. You let something slip, and I got a little more information out of you,” Danny amends, waiting pointedly to see if Jensen interrupts again, which he does not. “Alright. You let something slip a couple weeks ago, and I’ve been waiting patiently for you to open up and finally talk to me. But you haven’t, in true Jensen Ackles fashion. So, it seems I’m going to have to coerce it out of you.”

“In true Danneel Harris fashion,” Jensen mutters. He pulls his hand from hers with a sharp flick of the wrist. He stares at his plate, waiting for Danny to begin the interrogation. It doesn’t start for a long moment, so Jensen looks up to see Danny looking at him with a surprisingly soft expression. There is a hint of sorrow in her knowing eyes.

“Look…I just…I just want to help,” Danny says slowly, as if trying not to scare off Jensen’s hesitant gaze. “I know that you must be…hurting. This has got to be tough for you.”

Jensen closes his eyes slowly. “I’m used to it.”

Jensen rubs his forehead with his eyes still closed. A little over two weeks prior, he made a mistake. Danny and he had been hanging out in his apartment, watching movies and what not. She had somehow convinced him to watch some horrible romantic comedy type movie. After, they were in the kitchen and she was gushing.

“God…that movie…It really was a good look at what it’s like to be in love,” Danny commented.

“And you know what it’s like to be in love, then?” Jensen laughed.

“I’m in love with Gen,” Danny stated automatically, as if it were second nature. Jensen looked up from his beer. The beer was probably his seventh…or ninth…somewhere around that. He hated romantic movies and tended to drink heavily through them. So, the alcohol loosened his stomach a little and he allowed himself to look fondly at Danny.

“That’s good,” he told her, then, looking back down at his hands, and mostly to himself, “Must be nice being in love with someone who knows it.”

It was silent, and he thought he had said it quietly enough that Danny hadn’t heard it until he looked up and saw the look on his friend’s face. Her mouth was slightly agape and she stared at him with an intensity he didn’t understand.

“What did you just say?” her voice was quiet and he knew she had heard. He looked down again.

“Fuck, nothing, Danny,” he said too quickly. “It was just a stupid comment.”

“You’re in love with someone?” Danny doesn’t let up. “Over ten years of being friends, and finally—finally—I get to hear about your love life.”

“No,” Jensen shook his head. “Just…forget it. Please. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“You did too,” Danny doesn’t even pause. “So who is it? You have to tell me, at the very least, who it is.”

Jensen shook his head immediately. “No.”

“What if I guess?” she says brightly, and Jensen could see that she thought of it as a kind of game. “Is it somebody we know?”

Jensen stayed steadfastly still, with his eyes glued to the lip of his beer bottle, giving no information.

“It’s probably someone we know,” she decided. “Okay…so…Chris? Tom? Lauren? Chad?”

Jensen stayed completely still. He closed his eyes and hoped she wouldn’t say the name.

“Sandy? Jennifer? Jared?”

And that was it, just a tiny flinch and a flick of his eyes upwards and she knew. She stopped dead.

“Oh.”

Jensen felt like screaming. This had been a secret he had kept for longer than he had even known Danny. In fact, indirectly, it was because of this secret that he and Danny even hooked up, and thus became friends. Twelve long years, he had been hopelessly in love with Jared, his best friend since freshmen year of college. Twelve years he had loved Jared with everything he had, very successfully hiding it, or disguising it. Twelve years he had simple flings to make himself seem normal while his best friend dated guy after girl after guy, all very seriously, all excruciating for Jensen. He helped Jared through the relationships, he helped him through the break ups. But he never made a move, because as far as he knew, Jared had never—not once—shown any interest in Jensen in that way. And he couldn’t stand trying it, and it not working. Because then he knew that he wouldn’t be able to go back to just being friends with Jared…and if he couldn’t be near Jared at all, he didn’t know what he would do.

“Wow,” Danneel said. “You’re in love with Jared.”

“Danny…” even to himself, his voice sounded weak and strained. Pained. He allowed himself to slowly slide down the counter to the tile of the kitchen floor, leaning his head against his knees. Twelve years, and he had never told a soul. It felt like his world was suddenly crumbling.

He was joined on the floor a moment later and an arm wrapped around his shoulders. He knew his façade had been broken. She wouldn’t be able to see him the same way after this, wouldn’t be able to look at him and Jared objectively ever again. He had ruined something here, that night.

“Since you met him?” she asked and he didn’t give any inclination of an answer. This must have been as good as a yes for her, though, because she moved on to the next question as such. “Is that…is that why you went out with me?”

He still didn’t say or do anything, but he heard the slight pang of disbelief and hurt in her voice. Just barely laced underneath her worry.

“I’m assuming he doesn’t know and you’ve never done anything?”

When all her questions were met with silence, she finally got the idea. “Do you want to go back in and watch some horrible gory horror movie that will give me nightmares for the rest of the week?”

This made Jensen smile and after a very deep breathe, he nodded. They stood and went back into the living room, and Danny somehow convinced him to let them watch his own movie, My Bloody Valentine. She reasoned that she had seen it a million times, and therefore wouldn’t get scared. He hated watching himself in movies, mostly because he already knew everything about it. He could see himself stumbling on lines, he could remember how many takes it took to get a specific scene just right. It was a bit annoying, really.

After the movie, Danny left with very few words regarding Jared. And since then, she had made very few comments since—extremely odd for Danny. Jensen had just assumed she maybe had let it go, or forgotten in the midst of her own love life imploding. But now, sitting in the café, her eyes insist he tell her. And he is surprised to feel that part of him kind of wants to just give in, and talk to her about it. She must sense this change in attitude, because she smiles at him.

“You know, I’ve never actually learned how you two met,” Danny says. “I mean, he was always…your best friend. Just there.”

Jensen smiles at the memory. “Okay, fine,” he relents. “But…just…don’t do the thing where you get all…emotional or psychoanalytical, alright?”

She crosses a finger over her heart.

Jensen takes a deep breath, steadying himself. “Alright…okay…well…Chris had a band back then, you remember. He had this gig, and he was my only friend, so I tagged along to see him play, maybe meet some new people. Chad was in the band too, and he brought Jared. We were pretty much the only two at the event that didn’t come with somebody, and we both were buds with people in the band…so we just…I don’t know, we just kind of found each other.”

“And you got along easily, I’m guessing,” Danny prompts, and Jensen snorts.

“Oh, please, Danny,” he rolls his eyes. “It’s Jared. Of course I got along with him fine. The man’s a giant puppy. He gets along with everyone.”

“And…what then? You became friends?” Danny said.

Jensen rolls his eyes again. “What are you expecting from this story, Danny? A symphony to play us through our first date? Fireworks to go off in the background when we first make eye contact? Nothing happened between us then, nothing’s happened between us since. We got along. We became close friends. We were both looking to become actors, we both became actors. It was easy. It’s never not been easy with Jared.”

“It’s never not been easy with Jared as friends,” Danny says and the emphasis she puts on the word twists Jensen’s stomach into knots, even though he knows it shouldn’t.

“Shut up,” he says quietly, but she doesn’t listen.

“Is that why you haven’t made a move? Or even an attempt? Because it’s so easy now, you don’t want to have to go through the hard stuff?” Danny pries, her voice stained with a little indignation.

“God, shut the fuck up, Danny!” Jensen growls. “You think I’m afraid because it’d be hard? Is that really what you think of me? I’m not afraid because it would be hard, I’m afraid because he wouldn’t want me, and after I cross that line, I can’t go back. And I can’t have a life without Jared in it, in some way. I…I don’t know what I would do.”

“What do you mean he wouldn’t want you?” Danny shoots back incredulously.

“What do I mean?” Jensen laughs humorlessly. “Why would he?”

This makes Danny’s eyes shine a little. “Oh…Oh, Jensen…”

And there he goes again, letting something slip. He curses himself silently in his head, but makes himself say, quietly, “Look…that’s not what I meant. I’m…I’m fine.”

“Jensen…” she tries again, but he can’t take the sound of her voice as she was finally able to see Jensen, just as he was afraid to let Jared see.

“I’m fine,” he said, standing. “I’m fine.”

With that he gives her a quick peck on the check, throws some cash on the table for their coffees, and walks out. He hears her call his name once, but he is out the door and into his car before she can manage to follow him out. He drives to a small little beach that only he and Jared know about. They had lived right down from there in their post-college roommate phase, before they began to really make a living acting and could move into their own places. He sits on the beach and allows the sound of the waves lapping at the sand calm his pounding heart. How had he let so much of himself out? Danny isn’t supposed to know the extent to which he wasn’t…He tries not to admit it to himself, much less other people. It is just too much, because if he starts thinking about how truly unhappy he is most of the time, then maybe he will try to fix it somehow…and that can only mean one thing in Jensen’s mind: Jared. That’s where the happiness is. He sighs and is startled when suddenly, something wet sticks itself into Jensen’s ear. He jumps back and sees, to his surprise and slight dismay, that it’s Sadie, one of Jared’s dogs. He can see Harley approaching quickly too, and the man himself not much farther away. He looks like he’s going for a run or to the gym in loose basketball shorts, a ratty t-shirt, and old sneakers.

“Hey!” Jared calls and the sound immediately calms Jensen the rest of the way, allowing his frayed nerves to settle, his brain to stop masticating.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Jensen calls back, not standing.

“I come here with the dogs sometimes,” Jared replies, plopping down next to Jensen. “That and Danny called me, told me you two had argued, and suggested I try and talk to you. I figured this may have been where you went. This is always where you went when we argued.”

“We hardly ever argued,” Jensen replies.

“Yes, but the two times we did, this is where you went,” Jared says.

“You’re basing your knowledge of my coping habits off of two fights from a decade ago?” Jensen laughs.

“’Coping’? That’s an interesting choice of words,” Jared comments and even this makes Jensen go a little stiff. Jared seems to notice this and changes the subject. “She tried to pry, didn’t she?”

“What?” Jensen asks, stunned at the accuracy. Did she tell Jared something? A shot of panic makes his heart constrict, but Jared continues talking, not noticing the fear in Jensen’s eyes.

“Well, you get all fidgety when people try to pry into your life,” Jared tells him, as if this exact conversation isn’t Jensen’s worst nightmare. He hates that he has tells, wonders what else Jared knows about him that can be potentially disastrous. Jared points at his hands which tug at his pants a little and Jensen stills them immediately. “What did she ask?”

Jensen doesn’t reply, and Jared laughs.

“That bad, huh?” Jared laughs and then sighs. Jensen knows that it must be weird for him, this conversation. Jared is a very animated person, who shared a lot of his life with a lot of people. Jensen is the opposite. And Jared has always been okay with it, never pushed him, seemed to know without knowing that Jensen resented talking about himself; yet, Jared knows more about him than even his family knew. Jensen knows that secretly pleased Jared, knowing more than anyone else. So Jared’s small sigh now made Jensen feel as though he were cheating his giant younger friend.

“Just…” he steadies his voice a bit. “Just about stupid romance stuff. Very high school, if I’m being honest. Her break up with Gen is making her…pushy.”

Jared nods. He knows the exact situation of the break up and had immediately told Danny he was on Gen’s side. Gen and him had been friends since grade school, and had somehow ended up being friends as adults too. He had urged Danny to be honest with Gen alongside Jensen from the very beginning. Though Jared surely hadn’t wanted them to break up, he knew that it was also unfair to lie to Gen. And he was also sure that this would blow over, assuring both Jensen and Danny regularly. Jared is seemingly the mediator of their friend group, especially when it came to Jensen and the others trying to push him into divulging whatever he is uncomfortable with. It is a role Jensen had always been immensely grateful for. “She’s pushing you? That’s surprising. She’s lasted ten years being your friend, and that means not pushing it.”

Jensen is surprisingly sad at this comment. Was that what he made his friends do? Walk a fine line between asking too much and too little, afraid a misstep would end their delicate friendship? Jared looks over and sees the look on his face, and immediately begins back tracking.

“No, Jensen, that’s not what I meant,” Jared corrects. “We just know that you like your privacy. I—we get it. It’s not a problem.”

Jared’s voice is a little off and he looks like he wants to say something but studies Jensen’s face for a long moment before looking out across the waves.

It is silent between them for a few long moments, but it isn’t strained or awkward. Instead, it is comfortable; it is the kind of knowing silence that develops between two people so close. Finally, Jensen feels back to his self, calm and a little more in control. He looks over at Jared who is patiently gazing at Jensen.

“Let’s go grab a beer,” Jensen suggests.

“I have the dogs,” Jared points out.

“Yeah, I’m aware,” Jensen rolls his eyes. “I have beer at my apartment, plus I’m much closer than any good bars. And the games coming on soon.”

Jared nods. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Cool,” Jensen stands. “Mario’s,” he adds as he stretches and Jensen’s surprised when Jared doesn’t give any sound of approval at his favorite delivery pizza place. He looks at the younger man and finds Jared staring at him as he stretches. His hands immediately drop to his sides, and self consciousness flares behind his eyes as Jensen looks down at himself quickly.

“What?” he asks Jared and Jared blinks, blushing slightly.

“Nothing, man,” Jared says quickly, then looks back up at him, blush gone, and huge bright grin in its spot. “Mario’s sounds amazing!”

“Alright,” Jensen says slowly, waiting for Jared to call the dogs to him and go in front of him.

“Stop watching my ass,” Jared joked and Jensen jumped, noticing that Jared had been looking back while walking. It wasn’t that Jensen was actually looking at Jared’s ass, though he did do that a lot. This particular time, however, he was looking at the name written along the hem of Jared’s ratty t-shirt. It was a band t-shirt and the tour dates and cities were listed all down the back. At the very bottom, read Dallas, and Jensen felt a small pang of nostalgia for his home city. He needed to go back. He missed his family, his city.

“What ass?” Jensen covers smoothly, an expert at hiding his longing looks by now. “You can’t even make it out in those baggy shorts. What’s the point?”

Jared laughs ahead of him, and when they both reach their cars, they get in without a word to each other. They drive to Jensen’s apartment in a just a few minutes, Jared following in his big truck behind Jensen’s little SUV closely. When they pull into the parking garage, Jensen laughs as Harley and Sadie try to tug Jared in completely opposite directions. They get into the elevator, exit on Jensen’s floor, and enter Jensen’s large apartment with ease.

“I called Mario’s on the way over here,” Jensen says as he unlocks the door. “They should be here in a few—“

He stops dead in his tracks as he enters into his living room and sees Danny sitting on his couch. She jumps up when they enter and look in between them for a long moment—long enough to make Jensen ache and angry. It’s no surprise that she got in: she has the key. Only three people in the world have keys to Jensen’s apartment: Jared, Danny, and Chris. All for house-sitting reasons while Jensen was away on a shoot. Sometimes they let themselves into his house when he was in town, seemingly just to make Jensen uncomfortable. The only one he truly didn’t mind letting himself in was Jared.

“Danny—“ he starts but she cuts him off.

“I’m sorry,” she says immediately. “I didn’t mean to…to pry.”

He narrows his eyes at her and she’s giving him a look that is certainly full of meaning but that he can’t decipher. Jared clears his throat and Jensen looks at him, seeing Jared trying to communicate something of his own to Danny. It’s a heated moment of silence and Jensen finally sighs.

“It’s fine, Danny,” he says. “Jared, I think she wants to stay for dinner, do you mind?”

“No, of course not,” Jared says automatically, but he is still trying to make eye contact with Danny, who is still giving the meaningful eyes to Jensen. Jensen shakes his head at her, a warning that he knows she’ll understand. She rolls her eyes slightly, but finally looks away—but still not at Jared. It’s a weird situation all together and Jensen hates the tension and the looks they both keep shooting him, so he sighs heavily.

“I’m going to go grab us some beers,” he says tightly. “Jared, will you find the game on TV?”

Jared nods and Jensen heads into the kitchen. He should’ve known that Danny would follow.

“I’m sorry,” she says again and Jensen shakes his head.

“For what, Danny? You didn’t actually do anything wrong,” he points out and she nods.

“Oh, I know,” she affirms with a small smirk. “But I’m still sorry.”

“Can we just not focus on me? That’s all I ask,” he pleads.

“That’s all you ever ask,” Danny says quietly and he turns abruptly to the fridge to hide his grimace. She was right.

“Look…Jensen…about Jared…” she begins, and he flips around, angry again.

“Shut. Up. Danny.” Jensen glares. “He’s just in the other room, he might hear you.”

“How can you believe that he doesn’t love you?” she asks anyway and there’s a click somewhere in the back of Jensen’s mind; to his great embarrassment, his eyes well up slightly. Danny sees this and stares in shock.

“How can you believe that he would?” Jensen replies. Danny is silent for a long moment before she reaches up and cups his cheek. He knows it sounds self deprecating, and he sees the pity in her eyes, but he also simply cannot make himself believe that a man like Jared, all beauty and hugs and sharing and kindness, would put up with a man like Jensen as a partner. He is regularly surprised that Jared puts up with him as a friend.

“Jensen, you’re—“ Jensen pulls back away from her, shutting down. He turns, while saying quietly,

“I’m fine, Danny.”

“No, you’re not,” Danny replies and Jensen sighs.

He grabs the beers from the fridge, one for himself and one for Jared. He figures if Danny insists on being in the kitchen with him, she can grab her own damn beer. He walks out without another word and goes into the living room, just in time to see Jared sit down, a hand pulling away from Harley’s head a few feet away. Jensen plops down next to him, probably a little too close, but neither move. Jensen thinks Jared probably doesn’t even notice.

“What did she say?” Jared asks, his voice weird—strained. Jensen looks at him worriedly, but can see the same emotion mirrored in the younger man’s eyes.

“I’m not going to kick her out or anything,” Jensen says as way of explanation. “Just…Danny being Danny.”

“Jensen, you’re all fidgety again,” Jared points out; sure enough, Jensen is playing with the hem of his shirt absently. He drops it immediately and looks at the TV, which is relaying a a Cowboys game. “What’s the matter? What’s going on between you two?”

Jensen fought the urge to get up and go sit alone on his balcony. His little apartment is seemingly slowly getting more and more stuffy. He feels as if he is being condensed, crushed in on himself. “I’m fine,” he repeats to Jared to which Jared purses his lips.

“I didn’t know it was that bad,” Jared says and Jensen looks at him, confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know how everyone has those little lies that they use when they don’t want to explain things? ‘I’m fine’ is one of yours. If you were actually fine, you would’ve said ‘okay’ or ‘good’,” Jared explains and it makes Jensen’s skin feel itchy that Jared is telling him another thing that he thought he kept secret. Maybe he isn’t as good an actor as he thought. “So, what is it that is so bad that you’re talking to Danny about it and not me?”

Jensen stays silent, closes his eyes because he can’t handle all the suffocating thoughts that make him want to run and run until he gets to the ocean, and keep running then too. He can feel his hands start fidgeting again, but he doesn’t stop himself. When he opens his eyes, he knows that he wasn’t hiding much of his anxiety or pain by the way Jared’s face crumples.

“Jensen…” it is the tone that Jensen loathes, the tone that told him that people were about to try and fix him. He can’t stand it to hear it from the one voice that made him feel unbreakable. He stood abruptly, just as there was a knock on his door.

“Pizza!” Danny calls, and rushes to the door. Jared looks at her and in that moment, Jensen slips away. He goes out onto his balcony, leans as far over the railing as he safely can. He feels nearly nauseous. He glances behind him, sees that Danny and Jared are bent over the coffee table, pizza box unopened. They’re both frowning and if the traffic from the street below wasn’t so loud, he may be able to hear whether or not they were yelling. It sort of looks like it.

Great. Now he was not only fighting with Danny, Jared and Danny were fighting. He is extremely worried about what they were arguing about, but he feels safer out on the balcony, away from Danny’s piercing stare and Jared’s concerned gaze. He wishes he were a bird and he could just jump of the balcony and fly away for a bit, come back to his life when Danny is less interested and Jared is back to his usual self, all carefree hugs and bright smiles.

“You’re not thinking about jumping, are you?” Jared’s voice startles Jensen but he smiles at it anyway, even though it’s colored with concern.

“Yes,” Jensen replies truthfully, but quickly amends, “But as a bird, not to plummet to my death or anything.”

“You want to fly away? Isn’t that a little too cliché, Jen?” Jared replies, the concern still there, but a smile too. He comes and stands right next to Jensen, arms pressed against each other, knees bumping.

Jensen simply shrugs.

“Danny left,” Jared tells him and Jensen feels a little relieved. “She got a call from Gen finally.”

This makes Jensen smile a little. “Good,” he said, and he means it.

“The pizza is here,” Jared tells him and Jensen snorts.

“No shit, Sherlock,” Jensen replies dryly, and this makes Jared laugh, which in turn makes Jensen relax a little.

“You ordered an everything pizza,” Jared comments, surprisingly fondly.

“Yeah, that’s your favorite,” Jensen replies matter-of-factly.

“I know, but you don’t like half the things on it,” Jared points out and Jensen shrugs.

“It’s no big deal,” Jensen says. “It’s super easy to pick stuff off, and you just eat whatever I don’t anyway.”

Jared is silent for a moment but when he speaks his voice is much closer than Jensen was expecting. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees that Jared has turned his body towards him so that his chest is less than an inch away from touching his arm. He’s frozen.

“You do those kinds of things a lot,” Jared says and Jensen inwardly groans. It makes him uneasy and anxious, Jared’s new found love of noticing things about Jensen that Jensen doesn’t think to hide is beginning to wear on his sanity. It makes him feel as if he can’t have any part of his guard down at all. Not even about the little things. But these thoughts slowly melt away as Jared continues. “When we were roommates and I was passed out drunk on the couch, you would always put a blanket on me, put aspirin and a glass of water next to me. When I mentioned I didn’t like the brand of coffee we had, you never used it again, even though you liked it. You’ve been catering to me since…probably since we first met.”

Jensen is silent, a little in awe, but mostly dreading what is coming next. He thinks that maybe Jared finally sees how weird all those things were, how Jensen is almost obsessive when it comes to making Jared happy in any way he can. Those things that Jared just described were so second nature to him. It is the bigger things that he makes sure Jared doesn’t know about, like the very fact that he is desperately in love with the man and kept it to himself so Jared didn’t have to deal with any uncomfortable situations, or have to terminate their friendship. Or how he would always encourage Jared to go after the people he liked, ask them out, get their number, just because Jared liked dating people, even though it tore him up inside. And every time Jared came to Jensen near tears because the idiots decided for whatever insane reason to break it off with Jared, or Jared decided he didn’t want to be with them but was still broken up about the hurt he caused, Jensen couldn’t even feel good, because the near-tears in Jared’s eyes tore him up inside just as much as enabling the dates. His entire relationship is based on making Jared happy even if he isn’t. Because every time Jared smiles, he is happy—whatever amount of pain Jensen feels, big or small, Jared’s huge grin vanquishes it. He knows it is unhealthy, but that is okay.

“Jensen, why are you hurting?” Jared’s voice is small and Jensen’s heart ached for how vulnerable Jared sounds. “You can talk to me, man. I know you don’t like to…but you can. Always. About anything.”

Jensen sighs and puts his head in his hands, aggressively rubbing his head. “Look…I can’t. Not with this. I’m sorry.”

“Yes, you can,” Jared affirms, putting his hand on Jared’s back, right between his shoulder blades. Even though the touch is small, a thrill shoots down Jensen’s spine, as it always does with any contact with Jared.

“Jared…can we stow away all the touchy feely crap? I mean, I’m fine—I mean, I’m okay. Really. I’m good.”

Jensen turns from Jared and starts back into the house; he pulls open the door and takes a step in when Jared says quietly, “Danny talked to me.”

vFour words and Jensen’s world comes crashing down around him. He feels a little faint, and very nauseous. Twelve years, he had thought about what this moment would be like, twelve years and he knew that if this moment came, it would mean the end. He should leave; go to a bar, get royally drunk, drunker than he’d ever been in his entire life. He’d let Jared leave, let him do it without having to see his face—because that would just hurt him.

“Jensen, don’t even think about running,” Jared warns and Jensen starts a long string of curses in his head about how apparently observant Jared is.

He realizes he’s still frozen at the cusp of his apartment. He can’t decide whether to turn or to go ahead and run anyway; however, a firm hand on his shoulder stops him from running and forces him to turn. Jared stands in front of him, his eyes filled with something that Jensen can’t quite name.

“Jensen…” Jared begins again and Jensen panics, backing up and nearly tripping into the living room. Jared follows him without hesitation.

“What…wh-what did Danny tell you?” Jensen fumbles feebly and backs into the couch, his knees knocking out from under him, so he sits with a huff. Jared comes right up to him and kneels on the floor in front of him.

“You know exactly what she told me,” Jared says and Jensen feels like puking. He can’t help but notice, though, that Jared hasn’t run.

He slowly leans forward, putting his head in his hands again. He feels a mix of fear, pain, humiliation…and strangely, hope. Jared hasn’t told him to fuck off, he hasn’t tried to be kind and let him down easy, as he actually would. He hasn’t done anything, except sit exceptionally close to him, and wait.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen whispers eventually and he feels as Jared slowly leans his head against Jensen’s, which still rested in his hands.

“There’s no reason to be sorry,” Jared whispers. Jensen still can’t bring himself to look at Jared. “Hey,” Jared says quietly. He reaches his hand in between Jensen’s arms that cradle is head and slowly lifts his chin. Jensen allows it with great trepidation, letting his arms fall to his sides. His and Jared’s faces are less than an inch apart, and Jensen is frozen in hope soaked horror.

v“Jared…” Jensen’s voice is hardly audible.

v“Is it true, then? You love me?” Jared’s voice is just as soft as Jensen’s. It’s the softest Jensen had heard either of them probably in their entire relationship. Jensen swallows hard, and knew his choice was now: say yes, Jared might leave. Say no, Jared might leave. Either way, he might be screwed, so finally he takes a deep breath and eventually nods. Jared lets out a puff of breath that may have been a soft chuckle.

“Good,” he replies slowly, a little louder and a lot gruffer. “Good to know it’s requited.”

And then he nearly closes the space completely but stops with his lips just barely brushing Jensen’s, waiting for permission, waiting for the final approval. With a surge of affection, Jensen presses their lips together firmly. It’s a slow kiss, mostly because Jared let’s Jensen lead, who does it cautiously and drawn out. It takes five minutes for Jensen to finally skim his hands over Jared’s shoulders, cup one against the back of his neck, and let the other tangle in his hair. When he does knot his hand in Jared’s hair, he also pulls him closer, leaning back so Jared can straddle Jensen on the couch. Their kissing takes on a more serious, urgent edge as Jensen slowly begins to comprehend that this isn’t a dream. This is real. Jared is really here, really kissing him. Jared grinds into him and Jensen gasps.

“Oh, fuck!” Jensen rasps against Jared’s mouth, which makes him grin hugely. Jensen’s heart flutters at this sight.

“Do you…can we…do you want to?” Jared says in Jensen’s ear, grinding against him again. This elicits another gasp.

“God…you know I do,” Jensen manages to get out, then stalls for a moment. “But…I mean…do you?”

“Jensen…” Jared says quietly, pushing his hips against Jensen’s. “Doesn’t it feel like I want this? Want you?”

Sure enough, he could feel Jared’s erection pressing close to his own. “Mmm…I can feel that…”

Without another word, Jensen gently pushes Jared off his chest. He stands, takes Jared’s hand, and practically yanks him into his bedroom at a run. There, he pulls Jared’s t-shirt off with a flourish, then pushes Jared down on a bed. He falls on top of him instantly, kissing his way from his mouth down his neck, to his nipples. The moment Jensen’s tongue flicks out and licks the puckered flesh, Jared bucks up into him with a groan. Jensen grins and does it again. And again. In between licks, and nibbles, Jensen murmurs,

“I need to memorize you when I do this.”

It’s more to himself, but Jared replies, “Why?”

“So I won’t forget when you leave,” he replies honestly.

“When I leave?” Jared whispers, and Jensen doesn’t think much of it until Jared’s hands are under him and flipping their positions so Jared sits on top of him. “I’m not leaving,” Jared tells him, and Jensen laughs.

“Promises, promises,” Jensen smiles, aware it sounds a bit bitter, but he can’t care. Apparently, Jared does though.

“Yes,” he agrees, leaning down to stare intently into Jensen’s eyes. “Promise.”

Jensen’s smile slips away as he looks into Jared’s eyes and sees the serious pledge there. “Really?”

Jared leans in so their noses push together. “Really. I’ve always loved you, Jensen. You may have been in love with me longer, but that’s okay. I just have time to make up for now.”

Jensen could hardly comprehend what he was hearing. “You love me?”

Jared laughs. “Of course I do!”

Jensen is silent for a long moment and Jared stays still above him, waiting for Jensen to voice the many thoughts that pull his before care free smile into now a small frown.

“Why?” Jensen finally murmurs.

“Why not?” Jared retorts immediately and Jensen wonders if Jared knew this question was coming.

“Because…I’m obsessive…and I’m a mess most of the time…And harsh…I…I don’t know…” Jensen hates the intensity of Jared’s stare atop him.

“Jensen,” Jared says softly and it’s not patronizing, it’s not pitying, it’s disbelieving. “Jensen, you’re an idiot. I love you because you’re amazing. And you’re amazing because you’re you. No more, no less.”

“I call bullshit,” Jensen murmurs, but can’t help smiling a little more now.

“You can call bullshit all you want, won’t make it true,” Jared says softly and leans to push a soft kiss against his forehead. Jensen can’t help but to smile.

“Okay, I won’t argue,” Jensen agrees, putting his hands on either side of Jared’s face and pulling him into a long kiss. Jared groans and Jensen bucks up into him, getting them back on track. Jensen slides his hands down Jared’s chest, gently pushing him. Jared takes the hint and rolls over, allowing Jensen to climb back on top of him. Jensen kisses down his chest, over his stomach and stops at his pants. He makes quick work of the belt, button, and zipper. He urges Jared’s hips up, and he obliges immediately. Jensen pulls his pants and boxers off with one tug, and then he stops and gazes. Jared lies before him, completely necessary. This was even a fantasy he wouldn’t allow himself to imagine. It seemed too…unreal. But now, here he was.

“You’re…perfect…” Jensen breathes, allowing no time for the younger man to reply before swooping down and taking him in his mouth.

“Oh, Jesus!” Jared gasps and Jensen hollows his cheeks, taking him deeper. Jensen’s done this before, obviously, but it’s different with Jared. He believes himself to have no room for error. It has to be perfect. So he sucks with great precision and extreme concentration, sweeping his tongue along Jared’s shaft. It gets the right response, Jensen can tell, by the way Jared moans and bucks up into his mouth a little. It doesn’t take much more for Jared to spill into Jensen’s mouth eagerly. Jensen swallows it all down, and after, he slowly crawls back up atop Jared and kisses his mouth lazily. His own erection strains inside his pants but he pays it as little mind as he can, choosing rather to stare at Jared’s incredibly happy face.

“Your turn,” Jared smiles widely at him after a moment, flipping Jensen onto his back like he had before.

“Jared, you don’t have to…” Jensen began and Jared silences him with a long kiss.

“I know,” he replies when he finally pulls away. “I want to.”

Jared slides his hands under Jensen’s shirt and Jensen sits up a little to assist him as he pulls it off. Jared stares for a small moment, rubbing his hands over the freckled skin. He rubs his hands over Jensen’s smooth skin and grins as he tries to kiss each individual freckle. Soon, it is too much and he is laughing too hard to continue; Jensen joins in the laughter and before they know what is happening, they’re both laughing so hard their stomachs hurt.

Jared laugh-kisses his way down to Jensen’s pelvis bones, nibbling on his abdominal oblique playfully; Jensen’s giggles are cut off by the soft moan in reaction. Jared slowly undoes Jensen’s jeans and Jensen helps Jared wiggle him out of them. Jared’s giggles stop when he hovers above Jensen, lying on the bed in nothing but very tight boxer briefs.

“You’re amazing,” Jared murmurs seriously. “Have I told you that?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact,” Jensen says, barely suppressing his urge to roll his eyes. “Just a few minutes ago.”

“Stop sounding so incredulous,” Jared chastises and Jensen snorts a little.

“Sure, Jay,” Jensen relents and Jared gets a determined look in his eyes.

“I will prove to you that you’re amazing,” Jared tells him, slowly sinking his head back down to kiss along the hem of Jensen’s underwear. “It may take a while, but I will do it.”

“Okay, Jay,” Jensen murmurs, raking a hand gently through Jared’s locks. He feels Jared’s smile against his skin and thinks that it’s the best thing he’s ever felt. That is, until, Jared pulls Jensen’s underwear off in a quick motion and licks slowly up the shaft of Jensen’s cock. Jensen groans and barely stops himself from bucking up against Jared’s mouth. Jared chuckles softly and licks up again, eliciting the same reaction. He does this one more time before taking Jensen into his mouth. It takes an almost embarrassing little amount of time on Jared’s part to get Jensen to come. But when he does, Jared crawls back up easily and kisses Jensen lazily on the mouth before wrapping him in a warm embrace. Jared and Jensen are both tired and Jensen is pleased when he feels Jared snuggle close to his neck and begin to breathe a little deeper. Jensen thinks Jared’s completely asleep and nearly there himself when the younger of the two murmurs,

“This may be too soon in our relationship, but I really do love you.”

Jensen can feel his throat constricting and a small pull at his lips, but instead of crying like he secretly wants to, he chuckles. “Wow, dude. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

Jared snorts and weakly hits him in the arm, leaving his arm where it fell across his body. After another long moment of near-sleep, Jensen murmurs, “Just kidding, Jared. I…I…I am very in love with you.”

“Mmm…how does that feel to say after twelve years,” Jared’s response is still groggy and Jensen is surprised that he hasn’t fallen asleep yet.

Jensen thought for a long moment, his brain a little slow. “Honestly…it feels like hell. I think I trained myself way too well into hating even contemplating telling you. But…you know, I think it will get better.”

Jared sits up a little, forcing his eyes open and to focus on Jensen. “You’re being honest with me.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “I’m always honest with you. Just because I…ya know…sort of hid a little information for a while doesn’t mean I lied to you.”

“It better get better,” Jared frowns deeply. “It would be very sad if you hated telling me you love me.”

Jensen shakes his head. “I’ll make it better. I just need practice. I love you.”

“Better?” Jared says, smiling lazily at Jensen.

“A little,” Jensen replies, closing his eyes and settling closer to Jared. “Hmmm…I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jared tells him.

“I love…” Jensen lets out a long, huge yawn, and Jared knows he’s fallen asleep. Still he looks fondly at the other man.

“I know,” Jared replies for no particular reason.


End file.
